The Writing Proficiency Exam:
    SAMPLE "3" ESSAY


    This sample essay was written in response to an article written by Sports Illustrated writer, Jeff MacGregor: Fly the Angry Skies, Is the Fault in our Planes or in Ourselves? Reading his article and the writing prompt before you read the student samples will help you understand the student responses as well as the accompanying comments based on the WPE Scoring Guide.

    3: FAILING PAPER

    Clearly inadequate in one of the following categories or marginally inadequate in more than one of the following categories:
    Comprehension
    Demonstrates some understanding of the article but may misconstrue parts of it or make limited use of it in developing a weak response.
    Organization
    Does not address major aspects of the topic; presents a predominantly narrative response; is deficient in organization at the essay or paragraph level; lacks focus or wanders from the controlling idea.
    Development
    Consistently generalizes without adequate support; presents conclusions which do not logically follow from the premises or the evidence or consistently repeats rather than explores ideas.
    Expression
    Shows deficient sentence structure; uses a primer (grade school) style, or errors in mechanics (including spelling) which are serious or frequent enough to affect understanding.

    Writing Prompt : For your essay, briefly summarize MacGregor's point about air travel. Then explain your position on this issue. Is the fault in our planes or in ourselves?

    Note: Xxx represents words crossed out by the student author. Also, spelling and grammar errors have not been corrected.

    (#1) MacGregor's point on air travel is an accurate one. In his essay MacGregor talks about the expectations we have for air travel, he then goes in to the realities of air travel and the way we react to them. MacGregor explains that our perception of air travel is flying in a large comfortable chair with a perfect family, watching a great movie, and eating a fifty dollar steak. When we do fly we find a different situation. We think the plane is to crowded, we never like the person next to us, the movie is below average, and food is awful. This brings up the question, "Is the Fault In Our Planes or In Ourselves?" I think the fault fall directly onto us. Today, the general public lacks common sense and logic, our demands are too high, and we refuse to find a middle ground, thus making it our faults when it comes to air travel.

    (#2 Common sense is something rarely used anymore. We expect to much without thinking, when we are let down we get mad. How many times do we have to fly and be let down before we realize that things are the way they are. If we would just stop and think for a second before we flew that things are going to be tight, and the food isn't going to be good, then maybe we wouldn't get as mad.

    (#3) The public demands to much when they fly. High demands are o.k., but I think they can be taken to far. What we demand when we fly is perfection. We want connecting flights to right on time, the person next to us to be our long lost soul mate, and the movie to be that one that you wanted to see so bad the day before but couldn't. I don't think we realize what we have, I mean with air travel period. We have it pretty good when it comes to traveling long distances.

    (#4) Refusal to let our expectations down and findxxx a middle ground is another problem we have. Maybe if we didn't expect so much, xxx our attitudes would get a little better. Going in with better attitudes might just lead to better service. All those grouchy flight attendants we don't like, maybe if we try and be a little more friendly they will to. When everyone is in a better mood xxx xxxx xxxx things run a lot better. By giving a little in our expectations maybe the air lines won't feel so pressured and the service will get a little closer to those commercials we see.

    (#5) I believe the fault falls on us. The last sentence in MacGregors essay says, "Only by recognizing your flaws can I ever hope to overcome them." That kind of ties everything together. Our demands and expectations are to high, we don't use common sense and think about what we have with air travel today. We complain about everything but refuse to let our expectations down and meet somewhere in the middle with the airlines. I am not saying that the airlines don't have flaws, the fault falls on us because fixing the problem starts with us. We must recognize our flaws in order for xxxx air travel to improve xx for ourselves.

    Comments about Essay Three.