The Writing Proficiency Exam:
    SAMPLE "6" ESSAY


    This sample essay was written in response to an article written by Sports Illustrated writer, Jeff MacGregor: Fly the Angry Skies, Is the Fault in our Planes or in Ourselves? Reading his article and the writing prompt before you read the student samples will help you understand the student responses as well as the accompanying comments based on the WPE Scoring Guide.

    6: EXEMPLARY PAPER

    Comprehension:
    Demonstrates a thorough understanding of the article in developing an insightful response.
    Organization:
    Answers all parts of the question thoroughly; demonstrates strong
    essay and paragraph organization.
    Development:
    Strongly develops the topic through specific and appropriate detail;
    logical, intelligent, and thoughtful; may be creative or imaginative.
    Expression:
    Exhibits proficient sentence structure and usage but may have a few minor slips (e.g. an occasional misused or misspelled word, or comma fault); may show stylistic flair.


    Writing Prompt : For your essay, briefly summarize MacGregor's point about air travel. Then explain your position on this issue. Is the fault in our planes or in ourselves?

    Note: Xxx represents words crossed out by the student author. Also, spelling and grammar errors have not been corrected.


    (#1) A full two weeks in gorgeous Mexico. Two weeks full of food, sun, surf and more delicious food. I was tanned, relaxed and ready to return to the demands and chaos of normal life. The only catch; to return to my responsible existence, I would have to rely on the dreaded, much abhorred airplane flight. American Airlines xxxx tells me the skies are friendly, and Delta promised me that they love to fly. But, does it show? To that question, I quickly respond no! The minute I make the transition from the crowded airport terminal to the even more crowded airplane cabin, my stomach drops and my face reveals my xxxxxxxxxx immediate discomfort. The air is stale, almost parasitic. My seat, of course, is squashed between a crying baby and xx a businessman reading today's edition of the Wall Street Journal. As I sit in my reclining airplane chair, which lays back a whole giant two inches, I prepare myself for what's to follow-leg cramps, a headache from that crying child, xxx xxxx a dinner that's on the verge of being called inedible, a movie I can't watch because the stewardess wants twenty-bucks for the headset, three-and-a-half hours of boredom-and finally, a very bad mood. X xxxx xxx xxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxx xx xxxx It's funny when I think how much money that dreaded airplane ticket cost me; it's almost comparable to my entire exotic Mexican vacation. Funny how much we will pay for an airline to take us away from the stress and headaches of everyday life, only to return us with an even larger headache and increased levels of stress, not to mention the stress on our xxxx checkbooks. Who's at fault? Xxxxx xxx Delta, American Airlines and Xxxxxx United for promising me a magical ride, high in the sky to a better place, and myself, for buying into it.

    (#2) I blame the airlines for my increasingly bad mood. How many people did they think they could cram into this sardine can cabin? And, how much smaller and closer together could they make these uncomfortable seats? In the essay, From Fly the Angry Skies: Is the Fault in our Planes or in Ourselves, Jeff MacGregor says, "this has been the season of discontent for enraged passengers and the various carriers who brand, herd and ship them from point to point." It's true, the friendly skies have metomorphisized into the unfriendly skies right before our own eyes. And, who could be content with that? Ever since deregulation, xxxxxx xxx and airfare discounts, xxx more and more human beings are traveling. MacGregor is correct when he claims, "overcrowding lies at the root of most in-flight incivility." Because more and more people are going places, you spend longer and longer at the ticket counter, at the security checkpoint, boarding the plane, trying to get to the restroom during a six-hour flight, and at the baggage claim. The stewardess is no help either-she's sick of the crowds too and sick of the six-year-old incessantly ringing the service bell for another soda. So, the system is maxed out. Can't the airlines overcome this? Maybe make the planes larger, or at least the seats larger? If not, warn us ahead of time what our flight will be like. Xxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx xx Xxx, Xxxx, Xxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx Xxxx And, tell us, who is the gentleman in all the airline commercials who always has the most relaxing flight? He's always relaxed, calm, sipping on a beverage and dozing off in his chair, like a sleeping baby. This isn't what air travel is like. The airlines are simply playing to our desires of what we want it to be like. And like the fool, xx xxx xx we buy it.

    (#3) Here's where the traveling public is to blame. "We are still a nation of suckers after all, trapped in the feedback loop of the advertising cycle, forever consuming goods and services in the half-witted belief that the new soap or the new soup or the aisle seat on the exit row will deliver not only scads of lather, beefy goodness and an on-time arrival rate of 98 percent, but a slimmer, sexier, more fully self-actualized identity as well." Xx xxx The world of advertising is packed full of promises. That shampoo will make my hair thicker and fuller. This new perfume will make men lust after me. And, my five-hour airplane ride will be a breeze. And, ads always deliver what they promise, right? Wrong. But, as human beings living and thriving in a world of consumerism, we expect to get what we are promised, or at least something close to it. And, airlines are forever failing to live up to any of their promises. The cabin never seems larger after the carriers say they've remodeled it. The food never gets any better, the waitress any nicer, or the lines any shorter. American's perceive the friendly skies as just that, friendly skies. The fact that we are promised and not given that angers us. But what's worse, is that we have zero control over the situation. Airplanes drive us crazy because of that lack of control, yet we board flight after flight dutifully, year after year.

    (#4) It's unfortunate that my most vivid memory of my summer escape to Mexico is the hellish airplane flight back to reality. I couldn't agree more with the points eloquently made in Jeff MacGregor's article. The airlines themselves are to blame for failing to prepare adequately for the huge increase in passengers and in airline travel itself. They are at fault for my uncomfortable chair, horrible food, headache, xxx xx and for their forgotten promise of a relaxing flight. But I am to blame for expecting just that. Who arrives at the airport expecting anything short of frustration, stress and a hostile mood? Not anyone that travels by air regularly. It's my fault that I expect what the airlines feed me in television commercials will be what's actually on the plate. It's my perceptions of what air travel should be like, compared to my observations of what it's really like, that enrages me-and I have no control over the situation. Next time you are on board an airplane, flying into a business meeting or a resort for your family vacation, try to keep in mind that the airline's not the only one to blame for your horrible, overcrowded flight. After all, who bought the ticket?

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