The Writing Proficiency Exam:
SAMPLE "4" ESSAY

This sample essay was written in response to an article written by Sports Illustrated writer, Jeff MacGregor:Fly the Angry Skies, Is the Fault in our Planes or in Ourselves? Reading his article and the writing prompt before you read the student samples will help you understand the student responses as welll as the accompanying comments based on the WPE scoring guide.

4: ACCEPTABLE PAPER (competent but flawed)

Comprehension:

Demonstrates (sometimes by implication) a generally accurate understanding of the article in developing a sensible response.

Organization:

Shows adequate paragraphing and essay organization but may give disproportionate attention to some parts of the question.

Development:

Shows adequate logical development of the topic but may not be as fully developed as a superior essay or may respond in a way which is somewhat simplistic or repetitive.

Expression:

Shows adequate command of sentence structure, using appropriate diction but may contain some minor problems in grammar, punctuation, or usage (problems which might annoy a reader but will not lead to confusion or misunderstanding).

Writing Prompt : For your essay, briefly summarize MacGregor's point about air travel. Then explain your position on this issue. Is the fault in our planes or in ourselves?

Note: Xxx represents words crossed out by the student author. Also, spelling and grammar errors have not been corrected.

(#1)The conference was in Washington D.C. I had the "honor" of representing my school xxxxx as an exemplary student in the field of journalism-a field I'm not quite sure xxxxxxxxxx is right for me. I had to go alone, and I had never even left California in my whole life. And the worst part was-I had to fly. I would tell people about my upcoming trip and would be bombarded with an array of horror stories. Apparently, the meals will make you ill, the stewardesses are outright mean, and the non-stop turbulance is enough to make a grown man cry. It seemed to me flying is the worst thing anyone could choose to do. But, I made it to the conference and back, xxxxxxxxxx and I live to tell the story. In retrospect, things were not nearly as horrible as everyone had let on. The question is, then, why is flying such a regretful traveling experience for so many people? Writer Jeff MacGregor addresses this issue in his piece "Is the Fault in Our Planes or In Ourselves?" He asks whether the airlines should be blamed for allowing the entire system to be "maxed out," or whether we, as xxxxx the traveling public, should know better than to believe the images of happiness and comfort found in airline advertisements. I would agree with MacGregor's latter argument. The travelers are to be blamed. Xxxxxxxxxxxx We expect too much and don't realize that we, too, are a part of the problem.

(#2)Travelers expect airplanes to be, MacGregor says, "the new magic carpet for the new leisure class." But why should the airlines be responsible for making your travel anything more than convenient transport from one place to another? And why should the traveler come to expect more than that? Despite what commercials say, every person hears real-life accounts of airline travel around the water cooler. MacGregor says "their smiling commercials and ads neglect to mention certain things." Xxxxxxx There are two main problems with this statement. The American public should know that advertisements are meant to sell a product, and are not necessarily completely representative of reality. Xxxxxx Similarly, if people are gullible enough to accept the word from the airlines as truth instead of warnings from loved ones, they xxxxx should be blamed for their own idiocy. Travelers should not be so willing to fall for the hype.

(#3)MacGregor mentions deregulation in his article. Discount fares followed, and so did masses of people. It is true that airports tend to be a tad overcrowded, but if any passenger complains and blames the cheaper airfare as the problem, xxxx many are being hypocritical. Why? Because if it wasn't for these cheaper rates, many of those passengers would not be able to sit on the plane. Xxxxx Deregulation was no doubt an effort to decrease costs in order to make air travel xxxxx affordable for everyone. Yes, you then have to deal with "more people in line, more people at the gate." But isn't that better than making air travel xx elite? The technology is there so we all may benefit from it-and if that means a little overcrowding, then so be it. However, with the increased number of travelers comes increased stress, increased tension-and what MacGregor terms "air rage."

(#4)Many people, if not virtually all, who travel by air have probably shown some sign of"air rage." Someone bumps into you, takes too long at the counter, or snores as they sleep beside you, and all you want to do is go home. But, as MacGregor suggests, you may be "that person" to someone else. In your hustle, you forget about the person you backed into in the aisle or that extra question you asked before being seated. Everyone is a part of the problem, and not realizing that xx may xxx contribute to some of the xxxx general tension that inevitably comes with air travel.

(#5)MacGregor's article did an adequate job of analyzing potential fault on the airline and passenger ends. However, I am more apt to place the blame on the traveling public. As MacGregor says, "You're really trapped in . . . your own perceptions." As previously stated, our expectations are far too high and we seem to forget that we may also be making the traveling experience unsavory for someone else. MacGregor says "a jumbo jet was never intended as a high-altitude dinner theater," and he is right. Use the airlines as a mode of transportation to take you from your home to your conference in Washington D.C., or wherever else you're headed. Lowering your expectations and accepting the true purpose of your "friendly airlines" could make your trip a little more bearable and a lot less stressful.