The Writing Proficiency Exam:
    SAMPLE "5" ESSAY


    This sample essay was written in response to an article written by Sports Illustrated writer, Jeff MacGregor: Fly the Angry Skies, Is the Fault in our Planes or in Ourselves?Reading his article and the writing prompt before you read the student samples will help you understand the student responses as well as the accompanying comments based on the WPE Scoring Guide.

    5: PROFICIENT PAPER

    Comprehension:
    Demonstrates a sound understanding of the article in developing a well-reasoned argument.
    Organization:
    Displays effective paragraph and essay organization and answers all parts of the question.
    Development:
    Skillfully and logically employs specific and appropriate details but may lack the level of insight or intelligence found in an exemplary paper.
    Expression:
    Structures sentences effectively but may lack stylistic flair; keeps diction appropriate but may waver in tone; maintains sound grammar though may err occasionally.

    Writing Prompt: For your essay, briefly summarize MacGregor's point about air travel. Then explain your position on this issue. Is the fault in our planes or in ourselves?

    Note: Xxx represents words crossed out by the student author. Also, spelling and grammar errors have not been corrected.

    (#1) MacGregor's point about air travel is that xx xx the fault is in ourselves. He explains that unreasonably high expectations of speedy travel, "exotic" dinners, and "Cleaver-perfect" images of ourselves and others get smashed when the reality of delays, "airline food," and boorish behavior hit people head on. The disappointment caused by these shattered images is what MacGregor believes causes xxxxxxxx eruptions of "air rage". However, MacGregor also states that peoples "convictions" that they are special is the true root of the incivility in the air. Xxxx xxx Therefore, the solution is for passengers to wise up and realize that delays happen, airline food is bad, and they are not in control of anything but their own behavior. In other words, follow the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    (#2) I agree with Mr. MacGregor's position that the recent problems with airline travel stem not from the airline industry, but from ourselves. The airline industry is just that, an industry. Their goal is to make a profit, and keep the customers just happy enough to return. If xxxxxx ticket prices are high, that's because the market will bear it. Anyone doubting the connection between what people are willing to pay and the price of tickets should remember what happened a few years ago when the airlines had a bidding war. One airline would lower its prices and xxxxxxx all the other carriers would lower theirs because people were no longer willing to pay more. Another issue people attack the airlines over is xxxxxx over-booking: where the airline might sell someone else your seat xx xx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxx to cover themselves in case you don't show up. This practice is seen as unfair, but the airlines see it as a way to protect themselves. Every time a plane takes off, it costs a certain amount xxxxxxxxxx xx whether the plane is full or not. Therefore it makes good business sense to try and guarantee that the plane is full.

    (#3) Which brings up one final point. Everyone complains that the airlines pack people in xxxx xxxxxxxx without adequate leg or arm room like sardines. Because I have experienced this everytime I fly this is a particular sore point xx xx xxx with me. Trying to stuff my 6'0," 260 lb. Frame into one of those damn seats for more than a few hours is a miserable experience. However, I am the one who subjects myself to those conditions because I can't afford a jet of my own and I want to travel at 600 mph. The problem is that an airplane can only lift so much weight and has a finite volume. Xxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxx xx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx. Once the combined weight of the plane, the fuel, and the flight crew is subtracted from the gross payload of the aircraft, the remaining payload must be distributed among passengers, cargo, food, lavatory tank capacity, etc. The airlines don't get paid by food or the lavatory tank, or even a passenger's suitcase. The only part of the payload, besides the cargo they ship, that pays for its passage is the passengers. Therefore, the more passengers a plane can fit, the more profitable that plane is. And profit, as stated before, is what the industry seeks.

    (#4) Now while most airline policies protect the airline's best interests instead of the passenger's it is still the passenger's responsibility to control himself, no matter what the agravation. Most people feel that the high price of a ticket guarantees them luxury and comfort. The truth is that all a ticket says is that you get to ride on the plane to your final destination: no more, no less. I believe the recent poor behavior in the air, drunkenness, fights, even killings, are the result of people forgetting the golden rules. My advice to people would be to plan for the worst. Several business people I know who are forced to fly frequently have battle plans: arrive early, pack light to avoid checking any bags, ship your clothes with Federal Express, and bring a book. Most people need to relax, look out the window and remember, "hey it beats walkin'."

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